My Whole Year

December, December the last month of the year, if January caught up with December the conversation would be so much.

The start of the year began crazy, I had so many issues in January, and it felt like the year was not getting better at the time. My sleep felt absolutely mash up, the working, struggle and hustle was feeling intense and extremely tough. The moments of shift and new change was giving me anxiety, and behind closed doors it was haunting me through everything I was doing.

Apart from happy memories and loving the journey of motherhood, it was tough in other areas, people were hurting me, rejecting me, I was allowing abuse, I was going through boundaries being broken again. I felt in January there was no pause at all, everything just began to feel a little bit chaotic, I hardly felt any calmness other than motherhood.

In terms of dealing with myself personally, my head was still all over the place, in the time I was going through learning patience, not being in control of time, space or situations in the world. I was keeping my cool but emotionally it still felt exhausting.

During February things started to feel like I couldn’t be asked, not with life, work began to make sense and calm down, apart from things again I couldn’t control like the cost of travel, cost of food, COST OF LIVING. Other than that, emotionally I felt like I was getting a little bit more rest physically, I was looking forward to springing and I was enjoying preparing.

February felt like feeling the acceptance of change, forgiving the ones who I allowed to be emotional parasites, distract me from my peace… I had to forgive and forget, I had to practice focussing back on my peace, I had to reflect what I learned from January, I had to reflect how good it feels to let go, and I had to learn to carry on and just be prepared for something good, even if I don’t know what it is.

March was a nice breather; life felt a balance of good days and some off moments but mainly good moments. Despite the everyday situations that everyone faces, bills, travel, strikes, cost of living. I began to enjoy being around people I love and care about, although situations arise, same old negative vibes, same old people trying to distract my peace, I continued to ignore it.

I continued to be silent and began practicing that being silent is just as strong as saying something. I felt through March it was okay to celebrate life for just being alive, to laugh much more, to rest much more and to work much harder.

April felt much better, maybe it was the change of weather and things calming down, some of it was socialising, April was a nice reminder to socialise more in spring, spend more time outside, exercise a little more, reflect on what hobbies to reduce that don’t help my peace and reflect on hobbies that I should push more to keep me happy and at peace.

May felt brilliant, despite hours being long working, despite studying feeling overwhelming from time to time. I felt May was my transition of prime, I felt change emotionally to how I approach situations I can’t control, I no longer felt anxiety, I allowed myself to process situations, I allowed myself to vent only a little and then leave it alone, give it to God.

June felt like there was more change on top of more change, learning more as a parent, learning more in a new relationship, learning more in general. June was all about learning and sharing, sharing the way I approach situations socially, learning how to receive feedback in my career, in my personal relationships, everything going on around me was a repeat of situations I went through in my late teens and early twenties, the difference was I was going through this in my early thirties.

It felt different no matter what the situation, work, relationships and career, death, healing, grieving, sharing, addressing, hustling harder and working harder.

It was a lot, in my twenties I would have pushed a lot of things away, I would have run my mouth and been immature about situations, I would have acted before I reflected a situation, I would have just gone with my emotions I felt at the time.

Instead, I had moments in Juen when I paused, where I didn’t try to find answers to questions, I didn’t know especially when I don’t have all the information. I didn’t let it affect what I desire or the great achievements I was forming. As hard as grief is I carried on pushing despite feeling annoyed, eventually near the end of June I began to feel I could breathe again, and just take life a day at a time.

Spiritually June was the time I really felt the reward when you have practiced patience for something you have wanted for so long, and feeling relieved you actually took your time because when you finally have it, it feels so amazing.

I started to appreciate why a village is so important, why checking in on a friend is so important, why opening and communication with any relationship is important.

July

July was so busy, but this was also a chapter of closure for me, I was saying goodbye to a friend, I was saying goodbye to my studies, I was getting older, I was setting more boundaries, I was travelling more. Celebrating life weddings, baby showers and making my own family memories.

I loved the summer and although there were some long days, off days, rough days, I was still grateful for how much I accomplished.

I had gained so much wisdom, life was still giving me so many lessons to learn about letting go about healing, about grieving, about praying on things I really didn’t understand or had answers for.

Therefore, I noticed everyone was going through something and there was so much importance with making more memories with friends and family, being thankful for the support and learning to grow something new, something outside the box.

August

It was slowing down, and all I really wanted at this time was to relax more, but this month was about getting back on track, getting back on track with my mindset, my peace, again grieving another loved one and another one was so tough at this time.

It really woke me up about how life can go, and how people you never thought would leave, actually have left, I think death is death of course, there is no cure for dealing with death or grieving a loved one. However, one thing I have learned was managing this emotion and trying not to expose this or take it out on loved ones around me.

As much as I feel I may have peace about death, this does not mean grieving someone was easy, loved ones I knew, friends from all walks of life. This was tough, but one thing I can say, the detoxing was good.

If anyone at this time may have felt the same shift, of throwing things out of your life, whether this decluttering your actual home, or decluttering your social media, clothes, your thoughts. This was a good transition to practice during this month.

Halfway through the year can trigger us, August for me is about pausing my mind for a moment and reflecting everything that is going on. Eating healthier, saving more, finding ways to read more, August was a month where I could make new goals and not give up, and even situation I can’t control, continue to move forward.

September

September felt like it was just back on the grind, preparing to say goodbye and make peace with things going on in my life. Make peace with how I felt about situations I never expected to happen this year, make peace with my growth, make peace with my changes, make peace with my past, you know the past can sneak in just like September weather, when it’s sunshine but cold, or rain, then a hot day, then some rain again.

You have to recognise when situations may repeat around this time, or preparation to move forward hits you hard.

October

Was a busy month, was full of getting things, sorting out domestic issues, getting more sleep, gaining more confidence, and working on my goals even more.

There was so much energy into getting more rest, but also taking a break from all the outings, sometimes you need to listen to your body and rest.

October helped me to focus on one situation at a time, to appreciate the peace I was feeling, and to not feel overwhelmed on situations I can’t control.

November

This was a roller coaster again of situations, preparation for Christmas as well as having to continue to try and relax, there was adjustments and I had to learn to still keep my boundaries.

I had to continue to have hope, yes, we can all feel fed up and tired, overworked, overwhelmed, and there is everything else that follows. Whether it’s you trying to figure out what happens next?

All I can say in this month I was starting to overcome and keep my peace, I was feeling excited for the next month to come, there was progress in things I have been waiting for.

This month was a reminder that I have to be happy how far I have come as well as be thankful, forever be grateful that I am still here, able to continue with my life.

Gentle reminder

I am not writing this to just write it, I am writing this to share, this year was crazy and I have not written in ages, because I was living it, I was going through it and still processing it